Honestly it sucks...

WHAT A FRIGGIN DAY!!!
I don't know how many people i had to have motivational/inspiriational talks to today; but it drained me.
Not only was it hard for me not to make them burst into tears, but i think i used all my motivation.
Sadly, im entering that 'giving up' mode.

With countless jobs ahead of me, a new week starting tomorrow, my p's test lingering in the not-so-off-distant-future, my friend count dwindling to a few half dozen, respect by my peers still at a all time high of; 0, and my own opinion of myself (if you couldn't tell already) is at an all time negative, i am still yet to force myself everyday to 'be that motivated person that will always perform'. And honestly it sucks...

I would love to not care, but i don't have that in me. Failure is a word i resemble with being defeated, and thats not what i want to be. If i was defeated; honestly defeated, i wouldn't get up each morning. But i do (some say unfortunately) but i make the most of it. I push myself harder and harder to the point where i break and its this attitude which has repelled people from my self-destructive behaviour cause they have no idea how to handle me. If only they knew, thats what i longed for; just someone to be able to say "i understand you completely". *TIME FOR ANOTHER QUOTE :)* "People talk about devastating events all the time without really considering the words there's no way for someone who hasn't been through hell to know what it's like". I can't give up, i just don't have that set of genetics that tells your brain to stop. And that is one reason why people find it so hard to actually stay friends with me, cause i keep going, keep pushing boundaries, keep stepping on peoples toes. And honestly it sucks...

And sadly, i'm talking about all aspects of my life. When i used to go to high school (when i actually had some so called 'friends') it was the exact same. I would fight with people but couldn't stay mad. I would (subtley) get rejected by my best friend (even though she didn't know she did this) who i was madly in love with; but i just couldn't tear myself away from those feelings. I would fail an assignment and say oh well; when truth was i would go home and study my freckle off. In pe (my fav) i'd do my best and if someone beat me, i'd do the whole "yeah nice work".....*i hope you trip over so i can run over the top of you next time* routine. And its still going. I get faced with a challenge at work, which no matter which angle i look at i cant get past so i exclaim and yell and tell the whole world that i could care less about it; but then that night i'd be up all night thinking and hoping for some sign to come down and show me how to succeed...failure is not in my blood; but its so hard to win when everyone else tries to make you lose...and honestly it sucks.

I try so hard to succeed (by doing almost 10+++++ hours overtime) to ensure everything runs smoothly; and the only thing i get in return; "seriously, go home", "you're a freak, kid", "get some friends"...and i know i put on a brave face but it hurts...yet no one sees that...and honestly it sucks.

If i could have friends i would, but they left me when i left that life behind. I honestly thought it would be different; obviously them starting their HSC year i can't expect much, but honestly....it doesn't take 30mins to say hi over a text i'm sure? First off; it was alright. They'd invite me to places; and yeah sure i felt out of place cause since leaving school everyone looked at me as though i had been branded with some weird alien mark, but i was just glad they still remembered to invite me. Now im not even sure they remember my name. I know i spent alot of my high school years talking about what it would be like "as seniors we are gonna have so many frees, and yeah i'll help you with pe, and we can carpool, and have study sessions" but the one thing that got me the most was that as quick as i had left school, they had deleted me from their future...and honestly it sucks.

To have 10 years worth of being someones best friend chucked in your face like that, stung. Still stings. I'm sure it will always sting. But the fact that i have to grit my teeth and walk with my decision that i made last year stings the most. But that's what i don't get. It was my decision; yet they treat it as if because i'm not there i don't matter. This is sadly where my old school rule always plagues my thoughts "out of sight; out of mind". This use to be in revelance to mobiles at school. But now, i use it to explain what happened to me. I know i'm not the easiest person to like; but all i ask is for ONE friend MY OWN AGE, to just be there. I know i get clingy, judgemental, hypocritical, contradictory, selfish, obsessed, sarcastic, cruel, nasty, rude, annoying, trivial, coniving, and any other words, but i don't get why its so hard to find someone to put up with that. Some people just don't exist i guess....and honestly it sucks.

The worst part about all this is; i'm sure i could have it all back, if i tried. But thats the thing; I'm losing my desire for that life. Nothing soothes me more than spending X amount of $ on DVD's so on my days off i can hibernate in my room and just watch what i wish my life was all about (hero's, "getting the girl", family, triumph over a tradegy, adversary). But the fact that i know deep down, i only do that to stop myself from realising the obvious fact that i'm standing on the outside of that big old house (my old life) and i'm knocking on the doors (my friends) but they just don't budge or open (remember/notice me) is so hard to bare that i pretend the life i chose is the life i want. And honestly it sucks...

Which in a way; yes it is. Cause i'm learning new things. Obviously learning them the hard way, but learning none the less. I'm independant but this seems new to me; i'm my own best friend. Which is the saddest thing i think i have ever published; but probably the most true. I trust myself and myself only. I blame this on my best friend, i gave her my whole trust, to be best friends until whenever, but i hope by now you figured how that turned out. So i must ask....am i being irrational? Is my social awkwardness (which is what i've come to put my condition of "accepting the no-friend syndrome") really that unreasonable? Or after being betrayed by literally my whole list of friends do i have to justify myself for not giving everyone else a chance? Or should i hope that on the off-chance, all my high school friends only pretended to be my friend cause i was continually around them and therefore i shouldnt take it to heart that they ditched me when i left? Either way, to me it sounds like i come off the short end of the stick....and HONESTLY it fucking sucks.